


Stiff Control

by Quiet_Shadow



Category: Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Awkward Boners, Awkward Crush, Better Learn How To Fight With a Boner Sooner Rather Than Later, Clones Are Healthy Human Males, Gen, Hand Jobs, Implied Relationships, Implied/Referenced Incest, Inappropriate Erections, Jedi Are Walking Wet-Dreams, The 212th Has A Collective Crush, The GAR Is Hot For Jedi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-25
Updated: 2019-12-25
Packaged: 2021-02-26 06:41:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,705
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21959023
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Quiet_Shadow/pseuds/Quiet_Shadow
Summary: Shinies were all the same, Cody thought with a wry smile as he approached the troops.They thought training had taught them everything they needed to know.They were terribly, drastically, terrifyinglywrong.Or whereas (mostly) oblivious Jedi have apeculiareffect on their Clone troopers and there is no defense against it, no matter how much said Clone troopers wish there was. So... better learns to deal how to keep fighting with the, ah, 'stiffness' they all keep experiencing.
Relationships: CC-2224 | Cody/Obi-Wan Kenobi, Obi-Wan Kenobi/Clone Trooper Character(s)
Comments: 16
Kudos: 752
Collections: Fun/Humour/Crack in a Galaxy Far Far Away





	Stiff Control

Commander Cody eyed the platoon of Shinies with a neutral face, which he only kept due to large amounts of practice. It wasn’t the first time he was about to give this very lecture to new brothers, and it certainly wouldn’t be the last. Every time new siblings left Kamino to join the ranks of the GAR, every time a new unit joined the 212th, Cody had to come down and do it following the first battle.

And, elsewhere in the galaxy, he knew hundreds of his brothers, fellow Commanders or Captains, had to deal with the very same thing. Some more frequently than others.

(He didn’t envy Bly the slightest; Twileks had a reputation already as it was, so of course it would only accentuate the phenomenon within the 327th Star Corp. Cody didn’t envy Ponds either; the 91st Recon Corps had some interesting non-official numbers, enough to make Cody raises an eyebrow. Then again… Generals Gallia, Allie and Windu, all in rotation and close proximity; it was logical and self-explicatory.)

Part of him felt pity for the Shinies. Amusement too, but mostly pity.

He knew very well what they were going through, because he himself had gone through it too – and, most likely, the three-quarters of the Grand Army of the Republic by this point. Cody could recognize the dazed look on their face, the too-bright, a bit unfocused eyes and slight flushing on their cheeks as they were mentally reviewing the latest battle in their mind and fought down with some very poignant images.

He also recognized the vague feeling of discomfort they were all emanating and the way they tried to subtly shift from foot to foot even as they tried to stay at attention, awaiting his debriefing and looking like the first thing they wanted to do once it was done was to head for the nearest shower stall and turn on the cold water (assuming there was still water available and they didn’t have to make do with sonics. Mind you, sonics had… _interesting_ effects on that type of _problem_ ).

Shinies were all the same, Cody thought with a wry smile as he approached the troops.

They thought training had taught them everything they needed to know.

They were terribly, drastically, terrifyingly _wrong_.

But it wasn’t their fault, he mentally amended. All the training, all the videos, all the lectures, all the conditioning in the world couldn’t actually prepare you to meet and serve under a true Jedi.

Honestly, who would have thought their Generals were so… potent?

The worst part, though? Said Generals didn’t even know it!

“Men,” Cody nodded as he took position and eyed the platoon effectuate a near perfect salute. The gestures were good, but the position… Yeah, it was showing they were all trying to lean subtly backward to avoid putting too much armor pressure on themselves.

Especially around their groin area.

Ah, the curse of being a perfectly healthy male human specimen, Cody thought wryly as the Lieutenant in charge of the platoon let him know that the troops were ready (not).  
Cody inwardly sighed.

It had happened before on Kamino, of course. Kaminoans might have modified and tempered with Jango Fett’s genome to suit their need and create the GAR, but underneath it all, Clones were still humans, with all the hormones that came in with the species.

Of course Clones got erections; it wasn’t as if Kaminoans could create them without a cock or cut down on the mechanisms responsible for the phenomenon.

(And they had tried, again and again, but the results had always been disappointing, leading to too many mutable variables that ended up damaging the trial batches or producing Clones with lackluster performances in the field. In the end, the Kaminoans had given it up, at least temporarily. A small group of searchers were still studying the problem in some remote lab away from Tipoca City, though, not liking the idea they couldn’t solve what they saw as a flaw.)

Accelerated growing had done nothing to quell the problem. In the awkward period during which a Cadet reached puberty and until he had comfortably settled into his adult body, rare were the days where they didn’t feel at least a twitch down in their pants, when he didn’t wake up with ‘morning wood’.

Drugs to reduce the happenstances, extra training hours and exhaustion (as well as discreet times spent in the showers or in one’s berth with their hands as their best friend) usually took care of it fast enough, though, and by the time Shinies joined up, they were supposed to have the problem fully under control and not let it interfere with their day-to-day duties and the fighting against the Clankers.

That was the theory at the very least.

And the theory wasn’t completely wrong either.

It was just that the theory had never encountered a live, humanoid Jedi before, until it finally did. Then it had stalled, took a look at the situation, threw his arms into the air in frustration and promptly gave up the fight.

Jedi didn’t do it on purpose (on that point, every Clones who had dared to speak plainly about the **Problem** agreed) and they were mostly if not completely oblivious to the effect they were having, but… It didn’t matter if they were male, female, intersex, gender neutrals, really. Or even if they weren’t that good-looking either. Old Masters had fewer fans, but Cody knew a few brothers who were turned on anyway, as weird as it was (but to each his own, he guessed). Brothers tended to quickly discourage those among them who were staring a bit too bright-eyed at the Padawans, though; Republic law was very clear on what it thought about underage people and anything having to do with sex.

(Sure, Clones’ age itself was a doggy subject, but that wouldn’t stop Rex from levelling a blaster at you with every intention to shoot if he found you in a compromising situation while groaning the name of Padawan Tano. A brother stationed with Master Depa Billaba, Grey, had been known to issue the same threat where Padawan Dume was concerned. And there were countless others in the Gar who felt similarly about ‘their’ Padawan/Commander.)

All those considerations did nothing to change the hard, true fact that, for a Clone just fresh out of Kamino… Okay, for any Clone trooper who had a working libido, a Jedi was a kriffing walking wet-dream.

Personally, Cody blamed it on the crazy stunts.

In the heart of every Clone, no matter how average his skills, lurked a love of mayhem, explosions and taking down the enemy in the most awesome, damage-inflicting way possible. ARC Troopers did it regularly, for which they had a lot of… appreciation from fellow Clones (and Cody wasn’t touching _that_ subject with a ten-foot pole or without a drink or two. He could understand why two brothers might want to, ah, ‘get it on’ together, since their choice about partners and romance had always been very limited, but he could live without having to step in and tell them to keep it discreet, for fuck’s sake! Plus, thank to spending so much time around General Kenobi in idle chat mode, Cody was a bit too aware of how human and human-related culture regarded incestual relationship, and the last thing he wanted was an outraged, nosy Politician causing troubles).

(Which, come to think, might not have been such an idle subject for General Kenobi; the man was very perspective.)

Jedi, no matter how peaceful they supposedly were, kept doing crazy, gravity-defying stunts, caused ship-wide explosions like clockwork, destroyed droids by the hundreds all by themselves in the course of a single battle and came up with insane (working) plans even the best of ARC would have whistled at in appreciation or stared at in blank, horrified fascination.

If, to top it off, they were good looking, considered the troops like individuals and not disposable, valued their advice, showed loyalty toward them and trusted them to guard their back, joked with the men, visited the injured, offered comfort to the dying men or the ones who had gotten badly shaken by the latest assault, offered sarcastic answers to their own superiors or Politicians who tried to butt in on the operations while the men were listening, or just smiled and thanked everybody for a job well-done and/or for recovering the lightsaber or the cloak they had lost _again_ …

Cody stopped himself before he could go on, already feeling a familiar building pressure under his codpiece.

_Damn you, General,_ he thought with a mix of exasperation and fondness. Years working with the man, and even now Cody wasn’t fully immunized – and he doubted he ever would be.

That didn’t mean he couldn’t give helpful advice to the platoon of Shinies still.

“At ease, men,” Cody dismissed. “Keep in mind that what we’re doing here is purely informal. It won’t appear in any official record, or unofficial ones.” Most of the men looked relieved. A few were still staring blankly ahead; Cody suspected they were trying to keep up a semblance of control by trying (and failing) to find a way to… ‘deflate’, so to speak.

“Sir?” the Lieutenant asked.

Cody clasped his hands behind his back. “It is my understanding you saw General Kenobi in action on the battlefield for the first time today.”

The Lieutenant and a couple of troopers swallowed. “We did, Sir. It was… an experience,” a brother at the end of the line said cautiously, voice full of reverence and awe.

“Does he always leap so high?” another further in the back asked, making Cody grin briefly.

“Higher even, when he’s on a good day,” the Commander offered. “But that’s not the subject. I understand that many of you may have developed a… certain reaction to the General’s antics,” he explained carefully, taking note of whom was looking at their foot in shame or who stared straight ahead with an expression of defiance. You couldn’t deal with both group the same way, but that was for later. “I want to reassure you, men. It is perfectly normal. And,” he added before they could ask any question or feel true relief, “you can bet it will happen again. And again. And again. NO, do NOT interrupt me,” he barked sharply when he saw the first among the platoon ready to open his mouth.

“Trust me here; I know what I’m talking about. Whatever you think about your own self-control and how you will not let it happen again, forget it. You may keep telling yourself that it won’t happen the next time, that you will not let your cock betray what you think or feel, but you will fail.” He paused, looking at several brothers in the eyes, watching them swallow dryly. “Perhaps you will see him leap over a Separatist tank and render the crew to piece before giving you a bow and letting you know you can borrow the liberated material. Perhaps he will flash a quick smile your way when you tell him you managed to make contact with the float. Perhaps he’ll say ‘thank you’ with a look of pure gratitude when you bring him tea and rations. It doesn’t matter,” Cody enunciated slowly. “Sooner or later, General Kenobi will do – or NOT do – something and you will have to deal with an impromptu, mostly unwelcome erection. And almost every time, you will be wearing your armor, making it all the more mortifying and impossible to deal with. Follow me so far?”

Cautious nods and murmuring were headed his way and Cody gave a terse nod in turn. “Good. If you’re in your blacks, then I trust you’ll have enough wits to deal with the situation and remain discreet or find a way to make it disappears without shaming our Legion. If not, I know a couple of corridors which are begging to be cleaned with a toothbrush,” he warned. “Now, also keep in mind that if a spontaneous erection develops itself while you’re in armor, then most of your dignity will be safe, as no bulge will be visible – which you have all discovered by now, I assume,” he let out with a hint of humor, earning himself a few embarrassed chuckles. “Uncomfortable as Hell, I will grant you that, which is why I encourage you to go over the Quartermasters offices and ask for extra padding. You won’t need to precise why, they’ll give it to you without question. It’s not an obligation, but it will definitely make your life – and the medics’ task – a lot easier,” Cody encouraged them.

He wasn’t kidding about the medics; blue balls and rubbing burns on the penis were about two of the latest things the Medical Corp liked to treat. Last time he had been able to have a private comm. exchange with Rex, Cody had been able to make out Kix in the background, bitching and chewing out a brother who hadn’t been as careful as he should have.

Something like embarrassed relief fluttered around the unit, alongside an air of scoffing about Cody’s fire-forged certitude that the proud soldiers of the Republic that they were wouldn’t be able to quell down their hormones and developing crush on their General.

There always were idiots in every batch, Cody started to grin. They didn’t last long once he pounded the final nail in.

Which he was definitely going to do **now**.

“Now that this health tip has been shared, as I had promised I would, let me tell you gentlemen one last thing.” Cody shifted and started to glare. “No matter what you’re experiencing and what your body is going through, I refuse to let it affect the performance of the 212th, do you hear me? I won’t have you get yourselves killed because you made the mistake of freezing a little too long to stare at General Kenobi’s backside as he leaps around or because the sensation of your erection pressing down against your armor is distracting. So,” he added, showing a little too many teeth, “starting tomorrow morning, you will all be started on a _special_ training program to make sure it won’t happen. Am I being clear?”

A smart brother winced. “Oh kriffing hell, Sir, you don’t mean you want us… like that?” he waved vaguely toward his groin, making a few of his fellow Shinies pale.

Cody’s grin widened, but he stayed silent. That was all the answer the Shinies really needed.

He’d give them that, none of them had cursed him. Good brothers, he thought as he gave them leave to go and do… whatever they needed to do in their downtime. The armor was probably going to come down very fast the moment they were in their barracks.

Ah, well. A man has to do what a man has to do, he decided as he took the direction of the bridge, already drafting plans and mentally picking teachers for the upcoming _special training session_.

Time to teach the Shinies how one could fight while dealing with a raging hard-on, he thought with mirth.

And since they hadn’t cursed him, he was even going to be generous with them, too; he wasn’t going to make them go through the ‘interact with the General as if nothing was wrong’ exercise until later, once they had the fighting bit under control.

Bly would probably accuse him of growing soft, but see if Cody cared.

“Ah, Commander Cody; may I have a moment of your attention?” General Kenobi asked as Cody entered the bridge, smiling quietly as he overlooked an unfamiliar holographic map. His red hairs were a bit darker than usual, most likely still slightly damp from a recently taken shower, and they were slightly messed. The beard had been trimmed too, Cody noted immediately. If you added the smile, the way his eyes shone with contentment over managing to take a major objective while dealing with less than 5% of losses among the troops…

Nope, Cody was certainly not growing soft, the Commander thought as he saluted and came closer.

Not at this very moment, anyway.

**End**


End file.
